Low on Confidence High on Dreams

"The girl who came like a breeze and walked away like a storm. The girl who changed the destiny of this school. Here is she, the name is Saumya Srivastava. Please give her a big round of applause." As soon I heard this, I felt like I was on the top of the world. Tears of joy excitingly dropped off my eyes. The Chief Guest along with the principal gave me their blessings. Suddenly I heard a loud, shrieking, irritating voice. I searched for it. It was followed by a pat on my face. That's when the reality faced me. The voice was that of the alarm and pat that of mom.
The dream, oh, it was a dream. Welcome to the REAL world.

Booming with confidence was always like a dream for me, the dreams. A dream which I long for. The thing most desirable to me. The thing which was always a dream and will always remain a dream.


The lack of confidence slowly slowly took away all the nectar from my life. The cause of my low confidence is may be the upbringing. The restrictions put on me whether it was during childhood or adulthood had its adverse effect on my mind which is now showing up in devilish form.
Everything I want to do has this devil as its hurdle. My mind in one corner says 'do it' while my other mind says 'what if you goof-up, could you bear.' The fear of goofing-up is taking me to hell.
The present state is such that even if I do something right, my low-confidence makes it all a mess.

"Self-confidence gives you the freedom to make mistakes and cope with failure without feeling that your world has come to an end or that you are a worthless person."

This disease has given birth to all new diseases. The feeling of complex when seeing others(even the ones most close), hurting yourself out of frustration, etc. The count is countless. Even the other minor diseases are seemed to be magnified in yourself when you are low. Sometimes I feel as if I am that 'Tare Zameen Par' boy.
The field is something else but stuck in here.

People try to pacify you with their impractical words unknowingly that you are the only one who can ruin or enhance yourself. Nothing lies in others hand. You are the one responsible for your state as long as you are in your senses. 'Attitude is the word'.

Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right.  ~Henry Ford


These days I feel so suicidal. The low-confidence plus the failures upon failures is sucking. The want to excel has led to frustration. The lack of satisfaction is killing. This juice-less life has left nothing for me. I am in need of that one miracle in my life which can bring me back on the track.

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Anger - An integral part of Me.

Every night, when I lay on my bed to ward off all evil things I did the whole day; from my mind, the all new things come into my mind, making my mind more active than when in the boring lectures. I know retrospection is important but not when you already are an insomniac and need a tight sleep.

Last night, the same usual thing happened again (that bloody activeness). What all happened during the day was moving through my glued eyes as if some 'Avatar' is going on. One scene caught my 'eye'. "Clash of Titans".
I had a bad fight with someone 'close'. Nah! it was not war of words. I seldom do that. But yeah it was a cold war. Why. All because of my cool Anger.

These fights had become normal dealings for me. Never tried to control them. (But always felt guilty inside and cried when alone). And now they were overpowering me.
 Anger went on to become the worst half of me. To add to misery, Ego was always there standing tall and smiling at the fragile me. These two close brothers were ruining me. They were making me hollow both from inside and of course outside. Actually Anger is the mother of Ego. The person who suffers from anger has to have the disease of ego too. They cannot be separated.
Frustration is the other parent of Anger. The expectations give rise to frustration which in turn give rise to anger. So you see they all are so closely knitted.

“Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.”

So after understanding all this I needed the guidance. But Where. So, I thought 'Be your own Master'.
 The 'behave your self' is still under construction. Lets see where it goes. "Better do than say" is the word.

Wish me luck.

“For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.”

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Friendship - A mystery for me.

"A friend in need is a friend indeed."

The line always makes me wonder.

I learned this line as a class chapter. It was tough for me to understand the literal meaning so became a mystery.

The day I got the literal meaning, searched for the inner meaning, didn't get it so it was still a mystery.

Now, when I am mature enough that I can throw up thousand such lines, it is still a mystery.

 Is it so heavy for me to understand the meaning or am I expecting too much from this line.

Huh! enough of playing with me. I thought why not see what others think. Observed people's action( of course can't ask), saw that majority think friends are those with whom you can fool around. Okay. Saw the minority ones, they assume that friends are to be fooled around. Ah! seem dangerous.("A friend in need is a friend to be avoided." )

Lo! I am still confused. :-(

It seems to me I am the foolish one here, this big bratty world has lost the meaning. Gone are the days of Krishna-Sudama, Bhoj-Teli, Scooby-Shaggy[:-)] etc. Today is the day of  'India-US-Pak'.Today, the one who pretend to be your best friend may turn foe the next moment. You never know what's in store for you.

After much thoughts, I came to the conclusion that Go the way Life leads you to. You came in this world empty-handed and you'll leave this world empty-handed. People will cry a crocodile tear or two for you and then the next day everything will be normal. When people can forget Mahatma then who are you. It is Here where, the rich gets richer while the poor gets poorer. For whom you care the most pay least heed to you.

The two type of people still exist. The choice is yours.Go for the kill, the world is yours. If by God's grace you do find someone caring, never ever lose him. Just think God loves you enough that He gave you him.

Good Luck

"Whoever says Friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"

- Bronwyn Polson

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Wo bachpan fir na ayega. :(

“The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.”

Those days I cherish the most. 

Those roaming on the streets with the followers as if you were the DON. Those playing politics over small small issues as if you were the PM. Those playing 'luka chipi' and 'chor police'. Those cheating and then making 'innocent' faces. 

Those days I cherish the most.

Those getting scolded by mother and running into the aanchal of dadima. Those getting sweets from the lovely and fragile hands of grandma. Those asking stupid questions and getting equally stupid answers. Those getting stubborn over 'gobhi' and then coming out triumphant with a victorious big smile on face.

Those days I cherish the most.

Days when each day was 'holi' and everyday was 'diwali'. 

Those days I cherish the most.

The days are never going to come back. So why cry over the spilled beans. Its never too late to have a happy childhood. I say that the mature one and the child one in you should go hand in hand. The mature one will show you the rights while the child one will bring short-term joy in you.


"If you carry your childhood with you, its never too late."