Let the Heart flow

Ah! Well, its been almost a year since my last post. I guess blogging is no more my cup of tea or have I stopped reflecting over things or I am unable to let my heart pour out and put it into words?

Heart. Is it just a muscle whose duty is to pump in and pump out blood into our circulatory system or is it something more?

Well, if its just a muscle then it should be in control of the brain and not the other way round where brain often bows down when it comes to heart. Whatever be it, but one thing is clear for sure which is never let your heart stop (pun intended). Obviously literally you will not want to stop your heart but what I mean here is avoid involving your heart at one thing.It may seem attractive at first but diving in deep into one thing can only make you face disappoinment and heartbreak.

Let your heart flow. Let it explore new things.

Now you must be thinking about all kinds of clots that cause hindrance. The clots could be emotions, attachments etc but don't forget these clots only when feeded will lead to heartattack and eventually the failure.

Hence better avoid high cholesterolic things and live smoothly than giving in to your tastebuds and calling bulls to hammer your foot!

Expectations..

"Nothing hurts more than when your expectations are unfulfilled."
Expectations.
The word, as simple as it seems is all the more complicated.
It is a belief regarding your future which is more unlikely to happen. The unlikelyness of it to happen triggers another emotion i.e. disappointment. The disappointment in turn triggers all other kinds of emotions depending on its intensity.

"Anger always comes from frustrated expectations" - Elliott Larson

Expectations of your parents. Expectations of your spouse/boy-girlfriend. Expectations of your friends.  Expectations of Dada,Nana,Chacha etc., the list goes on. You spend your life trying to fulfill them. And when you fail, the whole world is against you. And you stand there alone pondering over what just happened. Why all of them are behaving so strangely now. Why are you the villain now.

And there is another kind of Expectation. The one which you want from others. You too have expectations from yourself. You too have expectations from your parents, your spouse etc. And when they remain unfulfilled, it creates a huge sense of hollowness in you. The feeling is the worst. You cry your eyes out. Your smile is lost in the broadway. You feel like you are vulnerable, You are week!

The question is, if so many kinds of troubles arise because of this then why not kill it. Why not just uproot the problem! But the hindrance is, you are a human. A normal human being who is very different from animals because of such emotions. Killing it is impossible. So why not control it. But here is another hindrance. If you could control it then you would be sitting on some Himalaya mountain by now, isn't it? You would be a saint who has won over all his emotions.

So what the heck is the solution now?!

Being indifferent.
But ain't Indifference as tough as the above two. It is tough. But not as tough.

"Ignorance is bliss" - Thomas Gray.
The quote says, Be ignorant. What you don't know won't hurt you. And how you wouldn't know? When you ignore.
Ignore the bubble. Ignore what others expect of you. Ignore what you expect from others.
And boom!


I can see a smile. :-)

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I Gotta Excel!

From long I've been thinking what to write on, as it's been long since I last wrote something on this blog. It's not that all the topics to write on just vanquished, but actually I was not confident enough to write up on them. Every time I started to write on a new topic or continue the left over ones, I just couldn't go forward after writing a few lines. I felt like I didn't have the capability to write anything more, my mind would just go numb and my pen would get hostile like it doesn't even belong to me. Its been a while since this hide-n-seek game is going on with me and this blog of mine, and in this process I actually have a pile of the 'drafts' now, they being more than the number of posts published.

So wasn't it the urge to excel that was hindering my way to write on or was it me being too low on confidence. And if I was too low on confidence then isn't it also indirectly implying the same first reason I just wrote i.e. the urge to excel, was the cause of it?

When a baby is born, people hover around him all the time and the baby thinks, " Wow! What an awesome place this world is! My life is going to be fun!". As he grows up, he witnesses the no. of hovers decreasing. A point comes when he needs to strive with the odds to get those people back to hover around him like when he was born.
How? He needs to excel! He needs to prove himself to the shallow world that who he is. Who asked him to? The People who care more about the hay they can bitch about than him. But he doesn't realize this simple fact that if they cared about him then why would they ever ask him to prove in the first place!
Now Why on earth does he even need to? The answer to that one is simpler and each human being right from a 6-year old kid to a 60-year old man can answer it because they all have seen its bitter face. The answer is the mere fact that he is HUMAN. The first line in the first chapter of a Civics book says, "Man is a social animal". So to live-up to it, to make this phrase hold its sanctity, he works harder and harder for it because it defines him who he is.He was given a name by his parents when he was born, so now like a King of a State he needs to expand his horizon.
He needs to Excel!

Being the top notch is scrumptious and for that you need to keep feeding your Leptin. And for that you need to excel!


Well, I tried to excel too. Maybe I won, maybe I lost but what matters more is that I tried to. I tried to be a part of this crazy world too. But whatever happened, happened for the good I guess.

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Odyssey

As I stepped out of the train, the buzzing of people was disturbing. The eyes after a night journey were resisting to be opened. The half-opened eyes still managed to get the view of the as usual dirty Indian railway stations.
As I stepped onto the platform, least I knew that this place would be the 'turning-point' of my life.

An extreme case of introvert I was. How ironical it is that all through my juvenile years, I had changed several schools. A big issue for this introvert(read extremely). A tough task to be won over. Making friends a hill and me sitting at one corner waiting for a support. Every school I was admitted to worked as a step towards me pushing to the extrovert(somewhat) side.

My first school was a small yet great in its own way convent school. I was admitted their as a late newcomer creating a buzz all over the school. "Look here is that new one". I was treated as a 'Jaadu' there for a significant amount of time. Little did they know that this "Jaadu" was actually going to spell some Jaadu there. Even the kindergarten kids recognised me. I was kind of quite famous there and loved the treatment I used to get. Unfortunately it lasted for a year when I had to change my school.

My second school here was again a Convent school but of higher repute. The people here were superior to me both in terms of intelligence and communication. I entered the premises hoping that I'll maintain my 'being famous' status here too but sadly, least I knew that I was going the downward side. I excelled in studies as much as I fell behind in other activities. Little did I know that this could make me suffer later on. Little friends I had as I didn't have the courage to start the conversation from my side. But 1 thing I have learnt now, The more talkative you are, the bigger your circle is. My introversion made me loose 'great-friends-in-making' feeling. But if you see on the brighter side, I had no 'enemies'. Everybody thought of me to be a 'good' girl. I spent the valuable years of my life there learning the convent education.

After spending 5 years there, I changed my school again. This time it was not a convent school, rather a rowdy one. The experience here was good too. I made great friends and did bad in exams. But most important of all, I lost a great deal of my covertness here which was a great thing for me. So you know, nothing is bad. This rowdy school atleast taught me to be more outgoing.

Then came The College.
People say college life is an un-forgettable time of your life. It surely is. But the reason why it is so differs from person to person.
My college life is unforgettable too. I am a totally(except the heart) different person now. I now know how to talk with people(process under learning stage still),how to walk with people and how to act before people. I feel is that the kindergarten stage of a person is this stage. Here is where your learning starts.
One more important change in me is I have got more spiritual and feel that respect each particle present on this earth. Nothing is inferior, nothing is superior.
Sometimes, when I go back and see what I was like, I see myself as an ignorant child who thinks he knows all but ironically he doesn't. And the funny thing is, Today also I feel I have learnt all lessons one need to learn. But tomorrow again, when I'll look back at the past me, I'll laugh again.

God Bless All. What more can I wish.


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Back on the Hellroad.

I thought that may be I am into abandoning this blog because for a long time I hadn't gone through a session when I needed to cry profusely, for a long time I hadn't come into a position where I could not make a decision. But it seems now, Saumya and problems are sisters since eternity. After a long time I am again in the neck-deep marsh where a single wrong decision could spoil my coming few years. I thought may be God had stopped punishing me, but the world knows Bad days are sure to come and snatch away all single moments of joy you had and leave you with the longings and memories of good days.
Sometimes, Human mind/heart seem very fascinating to me. He knows that joy and sorrow are the two faces of the same coin but still he tries to prove it wrong. He knows that a particular thing is wrong but still he gets attracted to it. This is the might of God, maybe to keep humans under his control, He plays out such tactics with them. Or is it this characteristic of him which makes him "Human" !
Whatever it is, better leave it unexplored because the more you try to understand it the deeper it gets.
I am in a situation now where a person is helpless, he doesn't know what to do, where to go, whom to look for a helping hand, where to find solace. And when such a situation you face, Leave it to God and the Destiny. He'll do what is best for you. Maybe you may not like His decision but one day you'll surely thank Him. This is what I am doing right now. I have done my part. Rest is with Him.


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Watch what you Speak

I thought I was joking; the intentions were not wrong; But she took it in the wrong way, started saying hurting words, behaving as if I was a stranger to her. This was the way it ended. An end to a "maybe years of joy". An end to a "maybe years of good memories". An end to a "maybe long-lasting" friendship.
The day was very unlucky for me. I lost one of my good friends.

The problem is in me I think. I, often, am saying normally but people take it in the wrong way. The perception they have of me in first look is totally wrong. Why? Why does it happens with me? The more I try to make things good, the worse it gets. Why does the world want sugar-coated tongue? Why do they not see the heart? Why does it try to configure a person by his words rather than the heart? Why can't they see through the transparent heart which says it all? Why do they behave like sheep?
A lot of unanswered questions in my mind. Will I ever get the answer? I hope not. This is the world and you have to live here the way they want you to or be a looser.  The Rama days are gone while the Ravana days are here. The choice is yours.
You can't change the world, so better change yourself.

"Say what you want to, Do what you want to, Love what you want to. Is it true?"


I never stressed upon thinking before I say because I thought maybe the people are intelligent enough to understand my words without me explaining them politically. But here I was wrong and this is what hit me hard. I thought friendship is to tell your friend his wrongdoings and faults but the world shouts out, "Flatter them and they will be yours, disparage them and you will find yourself alone."
Ah!! what a fascinating world it is.
 At one time you may pass the IIT-JEE but this one is tougher. Beware!!
I think she was my true friend, that's why at the last moment also she taught me something, which I could ponder upon.

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”


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Low on Confidence High on Dreams

"The girl who came like a breeze and walked away like a storm. The girl who changed the destiny of this school. Here is she, the name is Saumya Srivastava. Please give her a big round of applause." As soon I heard this, I felt like I was on the top of the world. Tears of joy excitingly dropped off my eyes. The Chief Guest along with the principal gave me their blessings. Suddenly I heard a loud, shrieking, irritating voice. I searched for it. It was followed by a pat on my face. That's when the reality faced me. The voice was that of the alarm and pat that of mom.
The dream, oh, it was a dream. Welcome to the REAL world.

Booming with confidence was always like a dream for me, the dreams. A dream which I long for. The thing most desirable to me. The thing which was always a dream and will always remain a dream.


The lack of confidence slowly slowly took away all the nectar from my life. The cause of my low confidence is may be the upbringing. The restrictions put on me whether it was during childhood or adulthood had its adverse effect on my mind which is now showing up in devilish form.
Everything I want to do has this devil as its hurdle. My mind in one corner says 'do it' while my other mind says 'what if you goof-up, could you bear.' The fear of goofing-up is taking me to hell.
The present state is such that even if I do something right, my low-confidence makes it all a mess.

"Self-confidence gives you the freedom to make mistakes and cope with failure without feeling that your world has come to an end or that you are a worthless person."

This disease has given birth to all new diseases. The feeling of complex when seeing others(even the ones most close), hurting yourself out of frustration, etc. The count is countless. Even the other minor diseases are seemed to be magnified in yourself when you are low. Sometimes I feel as if I am that 'Tare Zameen Par' boy.
The field is something else but stuck in here.

People try to pacify you with their impractical words unknowingly that you are the only one who can ruin or enhance yourself. Nothing lies in others hand. You are the one responsible for your state as long as you are in your senses. 'Attitude is the word'.

Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right.  ~Henry Ford


These days I feel so suicidal. The low-confidence plus the failures upon failures is sucking. The want to excel has led to frustration. The lack of satisfaction is killing. This juice-less life has left nothing for me. I am in need of that one miracle in my life which can bring me back on the track.

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Anger - An integral part of Me.

Every night, when I lay on my bed to ward off all evil things I did the whole day; from my mind, the all new things come into my mind, making my mind more active than when in the boring lectures. I know retrospection is important but not when you already are an insomniac and need a tight sleep.

Last night, the same usual thing happened again (that bloody activeness). What all happened during the day was moving through my glued eyes as if some 'Avatar' is going on. One scene caught my 'eye'. "Clash of Titans".
I had a bad fight with someone 'close'. Nah! it was not war of words. I seldom do that. But yeah it was a cold war. Why. All because of my cool Anger.

These fights had become normal dealings for me. Never tried to control them. (But always felt guilty inside and cried when alone). And now they were overpowering me.
 Anger went on to become the worst half of me. To add to misery, Ego was always there standing tall and smiling at the fragile me. These two close brothers were ruining me. They were making me hollow both from inside and of course outside. Actually Anger is the mother of Ego. The person who suffers from anger has to have the disease of ego too. They cannot be separated.
Frustration is the other parent of Anger. The expectations give rise to frustration which in turn give rise to anger. So you see they all are so closely knitted.

“Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.”

So after understanding all this I needed the guidance. But Where. So, I thought 'Be your own Master'.
 The 'behave your self' is still under construction. Lets see where it goes. "Better do than say" is the word.

Wish me luck.

“For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.”

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Friendship - A mystery for me.

"A friend in need is a friend indeed."

The line always makes me wonder.

I learned this line as a class chapter. It was tough for me to understand the literal meaning so became a mystery.

The day I got the literal meaning, searched for the inner meaning, didn't get it so it was still a mystery.

Now, when I am mature enough that I can throw up thousand such lines, it is still a mystery.

 Is it so heavy for me to understand the meaning or am I expecting too much from this line.

Huh! enough of playing with me. I thought why not see what others think. Observed people's action( of course can't ask), saw that majority think friends are those with whom you can fool around. Okay. Saw the minority ones, they assume that friends are to be fooled around. Ah! seem dangerous.("A friend in need is a friend to be avoided." )

Lo! I am still confused. :-(

It seems to me I am the foolish one here, this big bratty world has lost the meaning. Gone are the days of Krishna-Sudama, Bhoj-Teli, Scooby-Shaggy[:-)] etc. Today is the day of  'India-US-Pak'.Today, the one who pretend to be your best friend may turn foe the next moment. You never know what's in store for you.

After much thoughts, I came to the conclusion that Go the way Life leads you to. You came in this world empty-handed and you'll leave this world empty-handed. People will cry a crocodile tear or two for you and then the next day everything will be normal. When people can forget Mahatma then who are you. It is Here where, the rich gets richer while the poor gets poorer. For whom you care the most pay least heed to you.

The two type of people still exist. The choice is yours.Go for the kill, the world is yours. If by God's grace you do find someone caring, never ever lose him. Just think God loves you enough that He gave you him.

Good Luck

"Whoever says Friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"

- Bronwyn Polson

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Wo bachpan fir na ayega. :(

“The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.”

Those days I cherish the most. 

Those roaming on the streets with the followers as if you were the DON. Those playing politics over small small issues as if you were the PM. Those playing 'luka chipi' and 'chor police'. Those cheating and then making 'innocent' faces. 

Those days I cherish the most.

Those getting scolded by mother and running into the aanchal of dadima. Those getting sweets from the lovely and fragile hands of grandma. Those asking stupid questions and getting equally stupid answers. Those getting stubborn over 'gobhi' and then coming out triumphant with a victorious big smile on face.

Those days I cherish the most.

Days when each day was 'holi' and everyday was 'diwali'. 

Those days I cherish the most.

The days are never going to come back. So why cry over the spilled beans. Its never too late to have a happy childhood. I say that the mature one and the child one in you should go hand in hand. The mature one will show you the rights while the child one will bring short-term joy in you.


"If you carry your childhood with you, its never too late."